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  • Writer's pictureKirsty Taylor

I Don't Have A Damn Clue

It's funny how when you are younger you always imagine that as you age you will have your life more and more together, until you are sitting in a house with a white picket fence with a glass of wine in hand as your children play outside. The real reason why you have that glass if wine in hand is because you've had a long day and even with your white picket fence and children playing (or not) outside you still don't have a damn clue. However, how would I know because I am only twenty four and three months old, and yes I did just state my age as years and months for effect because the reality is I know as little as I did when I was thirteen months old (which fyi people who say this is one, just say one please). In fact in many ways I would argue the older you get the less you know and the more pressure there is to know.

Naturally, this world pandemic has taken a massive hit on everyone's ability to have a clue for a myriad of different reasons, but this isn't about that because honestly I am tired of thinking about it. This is about how in your twenties you think you'll have it together but you truly never do. Your twenties and beyond are about learning and growing not being at the finish line. If trees all stopped growing at ten years old we'd have fairly short and also fairly dull looking forests. However, this seems to be something I have to remind myself of over and over again.

As a perpetual overthinker I always think about what's next and am constantly comparing myself to fictional characters in their twenties who have it more together than me, a toxic trait I am working on it. I get so lost in what's next that I fail to see what's wonderful in the day to day and I often close myself off to the outside world because I am deeply sensitive and scared of being hurt. One thing that never gets easier in your twenties is friendships, making them and keeping them are two sharp sides of a double edged sword. Every time I embark on a new adventure in my twenties I am reminded of the fact that it is always quality over quantity, that I must always be my own friend first and that not everyone will like me.

Honestly, I don't really know where this is going, this is my first non-poetry post on this blog and I am looking forward to posting more writing other than poetry on here. Don't worry though there will still be poetry! I started typing away at this whilst I was supposed to be writing my final written assignement for my postgraduate teaching degree which has now been two years in the making (everyone has different timelines), with a coffee in hand and Oat Milk Lattes in The Mountain's playlist playing I felt I had to get this off my chest. This blog is likely to become somewhat of a public diary from here on out, so if you enjoy learning about the musings of a twenty four year old scottish gal who does not have a clue then fasten your seatbelt because this is going to be a bumpy ride. If this reasonates with you, I would love for you to share it but honestly just clicking publish on this has lifted such a massive weight off my shoulder.

Feel free to leave a comment with things you've realised you still don't have a clue about and if you fancy joining a community of people who are muddling through their twenties together head to my podcast: Fancy a Blether? or follow the Instagram for this blog!

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